Two years. That’s how long it’s taken us to stumble, swing, and sexy-dance our way from wide-eyed newbies to “Did-we-just-full-swap?” pros. And in classic Vanilla Swingers fashion, we didn’t do it quietly. Oh no. We popped the cherry, let Pandora out of her freaky little box, and yes – we recorded a whole damn podcast episode about it. Episode 69, baby!
So let’s talk about it – the good, the bad, the slightly jealous, and the wet ‘n wild details of how we evolved from soft swap to full swap… kind of.
Find all of this and more in this can’t-miss episode of the Vanilla Swingers podcast.
🍒 What Even Is Soft Swap vs Full Swap?
If you’re new here (hi, welcome, don’t forget your lube), here’s the quickie version:
Soft swap: Playing with other people without penetrative sex. Think oral, mutual touching, voyeurism, parallel play, and all the steamy appetizers.
Full swap: Penetrative sex with someone other than your partner. AKA the main course. True ethical non-monogamy.
Now, here’s the spicy asterisk: We’ve only full swapped during threesomes so far. Yep. No couple-on-couple full swap yet. So while we’re still riding that soft swap train when it comes to couples, we’ve officially upgraded to full swap status in our threesomes. That’s a BIG leap for us. We have evolved.
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🙃 How It Went Down (Literally)
It wasn’t some ceremonial “we now do full swap” kind of night. We didn’t light candles or hold a swinger séance. It just… happened.
And fun fact? Since it was in a threesome, it didn’t even happen at the same time for both of us. We’re talking a 10-month gap between our individual “full swap firsts.” A staggered sexual awakening, if you will.
For me (Kat), it was a bit planned, hot, and surprisingly drama-free (except for that damn ‘flip’!) The vibe was right, the moment unfolded, and we let it happen. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!? Easy, breezy, beautiful…
But for Leo? Ohhh boy. Leo’s full swap debut came with a side of Kat chaos. There was miscommunication. Some wires crossed. A few tears. A little jealousy. A lot of emotion. Basically, a swinger soap opera in three acts. Poor guy.
By the time my full swap moment arrived, Leo had already been around the block once, twice, fifty times. He’d had time to sit with the idea, visualize it, and be totally clear-headed when he told me, Let’s nudge some boundaries.
Meanwhile, I was still over here soft swap gerrymandering my way around the D. I was thriving in that gray area where I could get everything but solo penetration and still sleep like a baby. And I probably would’ve stayed there a little longer, if Leo hadn’t said the six words that flipped the switch:
“Fair is fair… let’s make magic happen.”
And damn it, we did. It was hot. It was real. And it was absolutely time.
🎭 Jealousy Happens (and It’s Okay)
Let’s be real – even when it’s hot AF, evolving from soft to full swap stirs up a lot of feelings. There were moments where we paused and looked at each other like, “Are we okay? or “Is this cheating?”
Even the most confident, communicative couples can get sucker-punched by jealousy. One minute you’re moaning, the next your brain is whispering, “Wait… why is she making that noise with him?” Listen, jealousy doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human. For us, the emotions often didn’t hit in the moment – they came hours (or even days) later. That’s totally normal. The trick is not panicking when they show up. Talk about it. Normalize it. You can have big feelings and still be successful in the lifestyle.
Because yeah – it’s not just a physical shift. It’s an emotional milestone. And even in a threesome, the intimacy of full swap is next-level. That’s why it took us 2 years to get here.
⏳ Don’t Let the Lifestyle Pressure You
Two years ago – just 3 days shy to the day – we fumbled our way into our first swinger club, nervous AF and totally clueless. We never rushed it. We never forced it. We said no a lot. We learned to trust our gut and each other. We nudged boundaries slowly. No kissing? Evolved. No oral? Evolved. And when the full swap moment finally arrived? It felt right.
The second you enter the swinger world, you’ll hear people say things like “Oh, you’re just soft swap?” Ignore it. This isn’t high school. You don’t need to graduate to full swap to be legit. Swinging is not a video game. You’re not trying to unlock the final boss (unless the final boss has six hands and a Hitachi). Go at your pace. Some couples never full swap and are totally fulfilled. Others dive in on day one. Go at your own pace.
🦄 Are We Full Swap Now?
Kind of.
Sort of.
Definitely if there’s a unicorn involved. 🦄
For a manicorn? We’ll take it situation by situation…
For couples? Not yet. We’ll probably have to have a threesome turn into a foursome with 2 singles before we delve headlong into couple swaps. For couples, that line might shift one day, but today? We’re honoring the pace that feels sexy and safe. Patience, go slow, that’s still our mantra.
💬 So You Wanna Go From Soft to Full?
If you’re soft swapping and starting to feel those what if… tingles, welcome to the club. Making the leap to full swap isn’t about ticking a box – it’s about tuning into desire, communication, and timing. There’s no right pace, no gold medal for swapping sooner, and no shame in taking your sweet, sexy time. Whether you’re soft swap forever, full swap curious, or riding the unicorn express like we did, it’s all valid. And if you’re thinking about evolving? Ask yourself (and your partner): Does it feel good? Do we feel ready? Can we talk through the scary, sexy, awkward stuff and still come out stronger on the other side? If yes, keep reading.
🧭 Not Sure If You’re Ready? Gut Check
Not every “next step” needs to be full swap. But if you’re wondering if you’re ready to dip a toe into that pool, here are some questions to feel out together:
Are you curious – or feeling pressured?
Have you had at least one successful soft swap experience where you both felt good the next day?
Have you talked about jealousy, boundaries, and worst-case scenarios?
Do you both feel excited (even a little nervous is fine!) rather than anxious or shut down?
If you’re still more “meh” than “mmm,” that’s okay. Your answer doesn’t have to be “yes” – it just has to be yours.
🔄 Ways to Bridge the Gap
Going from soft to full doesn’t have to be one giant leap – it can be a series of sexy baby steps. Here are some ideas that helped us (and might help you):
✅ Try full swap in a threesome before jumping into couple swap
✅ Explore staggered swap, where one plays while the other watches or joins later
✅ Dip into shared fantasy play first – talk through it, roleplay it, even narrate it
✅ Watch porn or erotica together featuring full swap scenes
✅ Use blindfolds or limited-contact games to ease into new dynamics
None of these are “rules,” just some ideas to test your comfort and grow together.
🛑 What to Avoid
❌ Swapping because you feel like you “should.”
Just because everyone at the club is doing it doesn’t mean you need to. This isn’t swinger peer pressure – your boundaries are not a trend.❌ Skipping the pre-game conversation.
If you haven’t talked about full swap sober, clothed, and without a dildo in hand, you’re not ready. Consent isn’t sexy when it’s confused.❌ Making assumptions mid-play.
“She said oral was fine, so full swap is probably okay too…” Um, no. Don’t guess. Don’t test the waters with someone else’s body.❌ Ignoring that weird pit in your stomach.
If something feels off – pause. Even mid-thrust. Seriously. No orgasm is worth a relationship rupture.❌ Treating it like a goal to “achieve.”
This isn’t a video game. There’s no badge for full swap. Go because you want to, not because it’s the next level. You can stay soft forever.❌ Skipping the aftercare.
You don’t just high-five and go home. Talk. Hug. Decompress. A hot night without a check-in can lead to cold silence the next day.
🔥 The Real Win? Doing It Your Way
Whether you stay soft, go full, swap with unicorns, or retire to a sexy hammock somewhere, the real goal is this. Build a lifestyle that feels aligned, authentic, and hot AF – for you. No rules. No timelines. Just curiosity, connection, and consent.
You don’t need to “work your way up” to full swap. That’s not how this lifestyle works. It’s not a checklist. It’s a swinger buffet, and you get to decide what’s on your plate. Full swap isn’t better, or more evolved. It’s just different. For us, it was a natural next step. For you? Maybe not. Or maybe yes. Either way, the key is moving together. Stay honest, stay curious, and when you’re both ready?
You’ll know. 💋
Find all of this and more on this episode of our top-rated swingers podcast for new couples to the lifestyle, the Vanilla Swingers podcast!
Swinger Lingo (check Swinger Dictionary for more!)
Full swap: When consenting adult partners trade places for a night of passion that’s hotter than a summer fling. Couples trade partners and engage in sexual activities, including intercourse. Also referred to as ‘hard swap.’
Soft swap: Getting oh-so-close to the edge without taking the full plunge – it’s like foreplay on steroids! A variant of full swap where partners engage in sexual activities with others, excluding intercourse, often focusing on kissing, touching, and other forms of sensual pleasure without penetration.
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