Fair Is Fair... Why Compersion Only Goes So Far
Swinging isn’t about keeping score. It’s about showing up for your partner – mid-play, post-fizzle, and everything in between. Here’s how to make “fair” feel sexy and let comperson beat the lizard brain.
By: Kat Swings
So, your partner had a wild night and now you’re standing there like, “Cool cool cool… but when’s my turn?” We get it. It’s easy to fall into the “fair is fair” trap in the lifestyle—but babe, this isn’t recess and we’re not trading juice boxes. Swinging isn’t about keeping score. It’s about showing up for each other – whether you’re in a three-way, a dry spell, or just trying to remember where you left your panties. Let’s talk about what real fairness looks like (spoiler: it’s not a 1:1 swap of orgasms).
Find all of this and more in this can’t-miss episode of the Vanilla Swingers podcast.
💭 PSA: Fair Is Selfless, Not Score-Based
If you’re using “fair is fair” to justify your next hookup like it’s a swinging version of rock-paper-scissors… you’re missing the point. This lifestyle works best when it’s not transactional. It’s not about keeping things “even.” It’s about being selfless in the most delicious, grown-up way. After all, it’s sexy to see your partner happy.
Be the kind of partner who wants your person to win – even if it’s not your night. Because spoiler alert – your turn is coming. And it’ll be even better when they feel safe, hyped, and held.
🐰 The Greyhound & The Bunny
You’ve been the compersion queen (or king) – cheering your partner on, soaking in their pleasure like a champ. But then… someone flirts with you, touches you, makes you the star of the show. That’s your greyhound moment – the instant your lizard brain catches the mechanical bunny and goes, “Wait… I like this.” And just like that? Compersion steps back into the shadows for a bit. Because once the greyhound catches the bunny, he doesn’t race again – he’s put out to pasture. And honestly? That’s when the real magic happens. When both partners have tasted the thrill, when both have gotten theirs, the dynamic shifts into a more balanced, 50/50 playground of pleasure.
💘 Compersion vs. Lizard Brain
Your evolved brain says: “Wow, they’re having the time of their life. I love this for them.” Your lizard brain says: “Where’s my fun?!”
Let’s not pretend this isn’t real. But the secret? You don’t have to listen to the lizard. You can pause, take a breath, and choose compersion. You can choose joy, for your partner, for now because your night isn’t over. And your relationship is so much more than a one-night tally.
🧠 Mindset Check: Are You Actually a Team?
Respect their no like it’s your own. No pouting. No guilt-tripping.
Be excited for their crush like you’re watching a rom-com.
When they’ve had a string of “meh” nights? Prioritize making theirs epic – even if your last three were 🔥. And you want more.
If they’re quiet after play, don’t go full play-by-play mode. Hold space. Be gentle.
Celebrate their wins like your own and maybe more. Because that glow-up they’re feeling? That benefits both of you.
💬 Communication Is the Love Language
You don’t need a lifestyle PhD. You just need to open your mouth with love.
Right before walking into a club? Whisper, “You look so hot tonight.”
Mid-play? Try a soft “You’re amazing.” Little validations go a long way. We have a non-verbal sign that means, “I love you” during play.
After a fizzle? Say “That wasn’t what we hoped, huh? Wanna get tacos and try again next weekend?”
After a hit? Say “What do you want next?” and mean it. Don’t just ride your own high.
If they’re not feeling someone, don’t force them to be the bad guy. You can say no for both of you.
And after your big night? Spend the next one hyping them. That’s how this stays fun.
💡 Don’t Match Nights. Match Energy.
Your job isn’t to recreate the exact same scenario they just had. It’s to make sure they feel just as seen, sexy, and celebrated. You don’t need a threesome to match a threesome. You need presence. Enthusiasm. Intentionality.
Fair is fair, but only if it keeps both of you feeling good, not keeping score.
Find all of this and more on this episode of our top-rated swingers podcast for new couples to the lifestyle, the Vanilla Swingers podcast!
Swinger Lingo (check Swinger Dictionary for more!)
Compersion: The ultimate feel-good vibe in the world of non-monogamy, where seeing your partner’s pleasure brings a smile to your face and a flutter to your heart.
Cock-blocking: When someone crashes the vibe mid-steam. Accidental or on purpose, it’s a total buzzkill—unless it’s Kat, who has been known to cock block with flair and a cheeky grin.
GGG (Good, Giving, Game): Coined by Dan Savage, this one’s the holy trinity of being a rockstar in the bedroom. Be good in bed, giving to your partner’s pleasure, and game to try new things (within reason). If everyone followed GGG, the world would be a much happier, wetter place.
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