Welcome, daring readers, to Kat’s latest romp through the most talked-about measurement – penis size. That relic of bathroom bravado! I’ve scoured the globe – or at least the internet – to bring you the wildest, weirdest, and most wonderful size stats out there. Grab your measuring tape (or just your sense of humor), because we’re going global.
Don’t forget to check out more newbie swinger advice in our Vanilla Swingers podcast.
📏 What Even Is Average in the U.S.?
According to the big ol’ penis map that’s been floating around the internet (yes, we looked at it so you don’t have to zoom in awkwardly – see below), the average erect penis size in the United States is around 5.57 inches.
Let’s all take a breath. That means:
No, you’re probably not “small.”
No, you don’t need to lie on apps.
And yes, you’re likely doing just fine in the grand scheme of things.
In fact, you’re statistically likely to be somewhere between “respectably fun-sized” and “well hello there.”
🌎 Global Inches: Who’s Leading the Pack
According to the map (see link below), the global average erect penis size lands between 5.1 to 5.5 inches. So if you’re feeling self-conscious – chill, you’re probably firmly planted in the middle of the dick bell curve.
But wait! On the leaderboard of length, Sudan and the DRC (hello, royalty!) pull ahead at around 7.06 inches. Meanwhile, Thailand sits shortest, at about 3.71 inches. Yep, size really does vary… and not just a little.
Other fun tidbits – Ecuador struts in at around 6.93 inches. The UK clocks in at 5.63 inches – just behind Sudan, but edging out the good ol’ USA at 5.57. God save the queen, I guess. Australians seem to have more than just that damn sexy accent… a respectable 6.2″ average.
💬 What Do Swingers Actually Say?
Let’s go straight to the trenches. You’d think everyone there was packing a footlong, right? Wrong. Here’s what the actual lifestyle crowd says:
“As long as you know how to use it, you’re good. I’ve had 10 inches of disappointment and 5 inches of magic.”
“Nobody wants to be jackhammered by a baseball bat. Give me average and enthusiastic any day.”
“Once you’re naked and having fun, nobody’s pulling out a ruler. They’re pulling your hair.”
🍆 Why Guys Obsession With Size Is… Kinda Dumb
Let’s get one thing straight – this weird fixation with penis size is mostly a product of porn, bro-science, and gym locker room lore.
You know what isn’t sexy?
Overcompensating.
Talking about your dick like it’s the second coming.
Assuming size alone gets you laid.
You know what is sexy?
Being good with your hands (and mouth)
Listening.
Having rhythm, enthusiasm, and a fresh pair of sheets.
Nobody wants to hear about your length if you don’t know what to do once it’s in the game.
🥇 Kat’s Tips for Dick Energy (Not Just Size)
Whether you’re swinging or just swinging it around your bedroom, here’s the deal.
1. Focus on pleasure, not performance.
Nobody wants to be poked by a ruler. They want to be devoured with intent.
2. Stop comparing.
Size doesn’t equal swagger. Work with what you’ve got – and then blow their mind with your foreplay game.
3. If you’re worried about size, get creative.
Tongue, fingers, toys, your damn imagination. It’s a team sport.
4. Communicate.
Ask what feels good. Explore together. Sex isn’t a dick-swinging contest – it’s a choose-your-own-adventure.
🍌 How to Measure Your Cock
If you insist on measuring your dick, fine. We’re not judging. But let’s at least get you some pointers so you don’t end up rounding up by two inches and calling it “average.”
Leo weighed in on this one. I asked, “Do all guys measure their dick size?” and he just gave me that look. You know the one. The guilty smirk that says, “Since middle school.” Ah, guys. So if you’re gonna do it – do it right.
How to Measure Like a Pro
Grab the right gear – Use a flexible measuring tape or string—rulers are for school, not your shaft. If using string, lay it against a ruler afterward.
Find the base – Press the tape into your pubic bone, pushing past any fat or hair to get the real measurement.
Measure straight to the tip – Go from base to the glans (not including foreskin, unless you’re really technical) in a straight line – even around curves, tape should follow the path.
Don’t forget girth – Wrap the tape snugly around the thickest part of the shaft. No stretch, no mess.
📸 How to Take a Good Dick Pic
If you’re gonna show it off, show it off right. A good dick pic isn’t just about angles – it’s about context, lighting, and knowing your audience. Here are some tried-and-true tricks to add a little flair to your full-frontal.
- Water bottle trick
If you’re truly gifted with girth, line up a standard 16-ounce bottle next to your erect shaft for visual context. “Your honor, I swear it’s bigger than this bottle!” Bonus: everyone knows exactly how big those bottles are, so it’s an easy flex. - Paper towel roll pose
Place your masterpiece next to a standing roll on your counter. It’s a classic comparison tool in the wild world of dick pics, and it always gets reactions. Just don’t forget to clean the counter first. - Angle for glory
Want to make it look bigger? Shoot from a low angle, looking up the shaft from the base. This adds dramatic length and gives it that towering monument energy. If you’re laying down, tilt the camera from below your hips so it catches the full extension – not some sad, foreshortened pancake. Avoid top-down “looking at my own junk” shots. They’re rarely flattering and scream “freshman dorm mirror pic.” - Lighting is everything
Natural light from the side adds shadow and definition. Overhead fluorescents? Not your friend. Think moody, not morgue. - Background check
No laundry piles. No Taco Bell wrappers. No dirty sinks. Seriously. You’re not just showing off your dick – you’re showing off your entire life vibe. You hope to get invited into someone’s bedroom!
Just remember – good lighting, clean background, and maybe give it a little personality. And if you’re thinking of sending it – ask first. Unsolicited dick pics are not fun.
💭 Kat's Final Thoughts
Look, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations – you’ve officially overthought your dick. And we love that for you. Whether you’re measuring, posing, or just here for the laughs, remember – confidence, enthusiasm, and good lighting will take you further than an extra inch ever could.
But hey, if you still truly care about dick size, here’s a funny subreddit I came across completely by accident (I swear). It’s called r/massivecock, and it’s… oddly fascinating. Even for a gal who’s not a size queen, I found myself scrolling like I was trying to solve a mystery. It’s weirdly addicting. Promise.
Now go forth and be proud of what you’ve got – whether it’s 5 inches of magic or a whole damn party trick.
💋 Happy swinging!
Find all of this and more on this episode of our top-rated swingers podcast for new couples to the lifestyle, the Vanilla Swingers podcast!
Naughty Links and Extras! (Fun, Irreverent, and Maybe Passably Useful)
Global Penis Size Map: A cheeky look at average dick sizes worldwide, from fun-sized to full-throttle, with stats that are equal parts shocking and hilarious.
Swinger Lingo (check Swinger Dictionary for more!)
Dick pic: Unsolicited photographs of male genitalia that make you go, “Thanks, but no thanks!” – because nobody wants a surprise in their inbox. Unless you’re specifically asking for it!
Size queen: The connoisseur of pleasure, seeking satisfaction with a little extra “oomph” – because sometimes, bigger is better! A term referring to an individual, typically female, who expresses a strong preference for sexual partners with a larger than average penis size.
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