Let’s get one thing straight – we love the lifestyle. We’re obsessed. We podcast about it. We dress up for it. We’ve crossed international borders and packed three types of lube for it. But let’s be real. Sometimes, it sucks. Like shaving everything for a couple who “forgot they had a dog sitter issue.”
Because for every night where you’re drenched in compliments (and maybe other things), there’s an equal and opposite night where you’re wondering why you shaved for this. The lifestyle is a rollercoaster, and we’ve had whiplash. So in the spirit of full transparency (and just a little sass), here are the top 10 reasons why the lifestyle totally, undeniably, gloriously sucks donkey balls sometimes.
We spill even more tea in our latest Vanilla Swingers podcast episode.
🎢 1. The Emotional Rollercoaster Is Real
One night, you’re riding high on NRE, making out with hot strangers, and feeling like the main character in a very adult rom-com. The next, you’re sobbing in a towel, wondering how you could get ghosted four times straight! It’s sexy! It’s scary! It’s mood swings in stilettos. Welcome to the ride.
👻 2. Ghosting Will Wreck Your Ego
Nothing says “romance is dead” like getting ghosted by a couple who said “we had such a connection!” two nights ago. Spoiler: they didn’t. Sometimes it’s a hard ghost (bye forever). Sometimes it’s the “polite fade” – slower, softer, somehow even more humiliating.
🧽 3. Cringe People, Cringier Vibes
Look, not everyone at the party is your vibe. Some are way too intense. Some treat the rules like a game of Mad Libs. And some are just plain awkward – like, “narrating their every move during foreplay” awkward. Umm, queue Mr. Stapler McDreamy… Swinging doesn’t come with a vibe check at the door. Unfortunately.
😬 4. Performance Anxiety Is a Bitch
It’s all fun and games until genitals are expected to perform under pressure. In public. While being watched. By that guy in the corner. If you’ve never overthought your every move while simultaneously sweating and trying not to fall off the mattress… are you even in the lifestyle? Thank goodness I’m a girl! Lady boners to the front!
📱 5. The Apps Will Test Your Will to Live
Feeld. 3Fun. Kasidie. SDC. Whatever. You’ll spend hours swiping, matching, and messaging people who never meet up. Or ghost. Or ask if you’re “DTF tonight” with zero context and one blurry bathroom selfie. It’s like dating… but with more rules and less shame.
🤢 6. Jealousy Still Shows Up (in Lace)
You thought you were cool. You thought you were evolved. Then you see your partner with someone else, and suddenly you’re inventing new emotions. Jealousy doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re human… in a very sparkly, emotionally confusing way.
🧠 7. The Mental Load Is Exhausting
Is she into us? Are we into them? Did we misread the vibe? Are we allowed to touch? Did we clarify what “soft swap” means to them? Are we settling? Half of swinging is sexy fun. The other half is project management. With vibes.
🚀 8. The Highs Feel Amazing—Until They Don’t
After a hot night, you float home on a high… until the post-play dopamine drop hits. Suddenly you’re questioning everything – the connection, the aftercare (or lack of it), and whether that really was fun or just performative. Will they or won’t they want to play again? Did I do or say anything wrong? Sexual comedowns are real, and they don’t always have snacks.
⏰ 9. It’s a Time-Sucking Social Puzzle
You’d think “wanna play?” would be a straightforward offer. Nope. It’s calendars, negotiations, reschedules, misfires, cancellations, and “oh we forgot we had a dog sitter issue.” The lifestyle will eat your time, your energy, and your patience – and leave you in fishnets on a Tuesday with no one to play with.
💔 10. It Can Mess With Your Relationship
If your relationship is strong, the lifestyle can make it even stronger – more connected, more honest, more turned-the-hell-on. But if there are cracks? Those cracks will shatter. This world doesn’t come with a warning label, but maybe it should: “Handle with emotional care. Contents may shift mid-threesome.” Communication gets tested. Insecurities get loud. And if you’re not rock solid, swinging will show you exactly where the foundation starts to crumble.
🍋 And That's Why the Lifestyle Sucks
We love this messy, sexy, sparkly world, but we’re not here to sell you the fantasy. We’re here to show you the full picture – the highs and the lows. So if you’ve ever been ghosted in group chat, wept in your stilettos, or rage-deleted Feeld – you’re not alone. And yes, we’ll still be back at it next week. Because apparently we’re into chaos.
And hey, if the lifestyle hands you lemons, try to make lemonade. Don’t be like Kat and try to chuck them at a guy who flaked after confirming twice – even if he did deserve a citrus-based warning shot.
Find all of this and more on this episode of our top-rated swingers podcast for new couples to the lifestyle, the Vanilla Swingers podcast!
Swinger Lingo (check Swinger Dictionary for more!)
Catfishing: The art of deception in the digital dating pool—when someone creates a fake persona to lure you in with sweet words and seductive pics, only to reveal they’re not who they say they are. Proceed with caution, folks—what you see isn’t always what you get!
Cock-blocking: When someone crashes the vibe mid-steam. Accidental or on purpose, it’s a total buzzkill—unless it’s Kat, who has been known to cock block with flair and a cheeky grin.
Dick pics: Unsolicited photographs of male genitalia that make you go, “Thanks, but no thanks!” – because nobody wants a surprise in their inbox. Unless you’re specifically asking for it!
Flake: The disappearing act that leaves you hanging – because in the game of swinging, consistency is key! A person who fails to follow through on commitments or engagements within the swinging community, often causing inconvenience or disappointment to others involved. Also usually in reference to individuals met via online apps.
Ghosting: The disappearing act that leaves you wondering, “Was it something I said?” – because in the swinging scene, communication is key! This term describes the sudden cessation of communication or contact with a romantic or sexual partner without explanation or warning.
◀️ Previous Episode Next Episode ▶️